9-5

So its almost a year since I officially left work, although I haven't worked since December 2011. That sounds like ages ago and yet it doesn't feel like long at all in some ways.

I have few regrets about leaving. In hindsight, it was the best thing I could ever have done to salvage my mental health. Maybe I shouldn't even have gone into that line of work in the first place.

I loved my job. I really did. I loved the variety of experiences, the amazing people I got to meet, the great colleagues I had to work with and most of all I loved that I got to do what I do best - help people - and yet in the end all of that was outweighed by the terrible stress it caused me that more than once sent my dodgy brain into meltdown. It just wasn't going to work any more. It was time to call it to an end.

And here I am now, looking for a way to join in again. I want a job. I want to be useful. I want to be a valuable member of society. I want to be respected for my work not given a disinterested 'oh' when I'm introduced as 'not working at the moment'.

I have my volunteer work which helps me to feel like my existence isn't entirely pointless and I'm very proud to be associated with such a brilliant organisation as Bristol Changes. I am honoured that they allowed me to train with them and grateful for the opportunity to bring my skills to the community.

One of the best things about volunteering is not being paid. I know that sounds like a strange thing to say but I feel that much more free. That's not to say I am any less committed to my weekly meeting than I was to my my daily job or that I would behave any less professionally, but that I am happy to know I am doing it because I want to, not because of a contract to exchange my services for cash. There's no guilt attached to it, no expectation that I should work my body and mind to exhaustion until and beyond the last minute of the working day because I am being paid out of the public purse.
When I was a paid worker I began to resent the unpaid overtime that I did. Now that I am not paid, I am happy to give my time for free.

I don't really know what to do next. Ideally, I think I would like to train as a counsellor, something I have always felt was right for me, but I fear that once again I could become overwhelmed by the pressure to always squeeze in 'just one more' or get crushed by empathy overload.

I'd like to write more but my creative edge has been dulled by my medication and I feel daunted by it rather than inspired right now. This saddens me.

So do I try to find a McJob? Am I even employable any more? Who would want to take on a middle-aged woman with known mental health issues? Sadly, I think that's all they'll see, despite me having held a job for over 20 years.

Anybody got any great careers advice?